I telephoned a residential land line today for the first time in years. And I hadn't thought about this fact until the person on the receiving end of the call said, "Hello?" and I...panicked. What do I say? In nanoseconds, my mind rifled through lessons in phone etiquette I learned as a child. Do I state my name? Purpose for calling? Do I just ask for the person to whom I wish to speak? These days I'm so used to calling mobile phones where, presumably, the person answering is the owner of the phone. No surprises. You get what you seek. My social ineptness in this moment signifies one of the ways I have become a predictable product of the Information Age in which instant gratification is the name of the game. Journalists, bloggers, and cultural theorists have discussed and theorized this topic ad nauseum and the points I could discuss here would be nothing new to most of you, I'm sure. What is less familiar to me, however, is the discussion of whether it's inherently wrong to expect or crave instant gratification at this point in time.

I think it's worthwhile to consider the ways in which the shifting norms and the discomfort we (or at least I) feel is probably not so different from the the discomfort felt by people when, say, the telephone was invented or industrialization changed the ways we produce and operate business and, subsequently, families and communities are organized. While we can cite many negative outcomes of industrialization (the environmental crisis; health problems--you know, like limbs being cut off by factory equipment; human rights violations; etc.), I think most people would say it changed things for the better. So, in today's "instant gratification" world, do, as the aphorism proposes, the ends justify the means? That is, is the disintegration of the norms of the social order we new as children and adolescents--and, for some of us, as young adults--enough to disavow the gains of the Information Age? (What are those gains, again?) After all, it's not like there was anything inherently great about having a set of rules for placing or receiving phone calls. It simply allowed us to know--to an extent--what to expect and how to be...not so different than the more recent developments of decorum that one sees on Facebook.

Sure, policing of norms on Facebook might be less stringent than my grandmother's home economics training would afford, but there's no denying that rules do exist. What I find hilarious, however, is how confused Facebook is about the social rules of "real life"--life lived away from the computer. Or maybe it's how confused Facebook makes me about this? Facebook, at once attempts to connect us with our friends, former classmates, family members, potential employers, or fellow hobbyists, and can't quite tap into what, exactly, would make one Facebooker appeal to another. Basically, Facebook doesn't have a BRAIN! The best example of this is in the automatic friend suggestions feature. In the same week, Facebook suggested that I become "friends" with: 1) My ex's ex-girlfriend. Not cool, Facebook!; 2) The boy with whom I had my first kiss (and stuff) when I was 16. Last time I talked to that boy was...WHEN I WAS 16. I have to ask, is it some larger goal of those programmers behind Facebook to destroy me? And these "friend" suggestions only open me up to extended periods of cyber-stalking (don't pretend you don't do it too!) Hmm...who is Mr. First Kiss of Lahaina, HI, formerly of Tucson, AZ, dating these days? Did he go the way of the meat head, as expected? Does his breath still smell like peppermint schnapps? I know, I know, you can't smell things on Facebook, but that's precisely my point: stalking leads to speculating, which sometimes leads to plotting. What would this guy think if I did "friend" him? What would he do? What would he say? What...the fuck?

So, it seems, in some ways our social interactions are stunted or dulled or denied from even occurring, and at other times we are face(book) to face(book) with people we haven't thought about in months or years...and probably for good reasons. Maybe given my, at times, debilitating shyness I would be like this anyway...but I think of all the times I see a subject of interest/attraction in "real life" and I am at an utter loss for how I should proceed. I have a very limited idea of how to signify my interest, or what to say to spur a conversation. If only this were Facebook. I could just poke him.

So, again: what are the ends in the Information Age? And do these ends justify my psychosis?

PS - In "Telephone" Lady Gaga sings, "Can call all you want but there's no one home and you're not gonna reach my telephone! 'Cause I'm out in the club and I'm sippin' that bub' and you're not gonna reach my telephone." But we all know she would have her cellphone on her in the club, like Beyonce: "Boy the way you blowin' up my phone won't make me leave no faster, put my coat on faster, leave my girls no faster. I shoulda left my phone at home 'cause this is a disaster!"